Being heavily pregnant in the high summer is the worst. These are the thoughts that run through a pregnant woman’s head when the mercury rises.
1. “Is that sweat or did my water just break?”
Whoever said pregnant women glow has never seen one suffer when the thermometer goes above 75 degrees. All that extra insulation and a sped-up metabolism means a whole new world of sweating opportunities you never knew existed (hello, boob sweat!?) Pass me a towel, somebody!
2. “Who needs shoes?”
Pregnancy swelling gets so much worse in the heat, so you’ve said goodbye ankles and pretty summer sandals and hello cankles. Sometimes the only thing your feet can fit into is your husband’s flip-flops or those old pool slides from the back of the closet. Hey at least you can skip the pain of being pregnant in hells, right? The good news is putting your feet up is pretty much doctor’s orders.
3. “Are Popsicles a food group?”
Because you’re hitting the freezer so often you’re pretty sure that a raspberry ice pop must count as a portion of fruit from your five-servings-a-day.
4. “Pee, drink, pee, drink; repeat.”
The constant need to keep hydrated means that “Why am I always so thirsty?” is quickly followed by “Oh I need to pee again.” Repeat this ten times an hour and you get the idea.
5. “‘Oh I love my maternity swimsuit,’ said no pregnant woman ever.”
You felt self-conscious in your pre-pregnancy bikini so you rushed out to buy a new swimsuit for all those pool parties and beach days you (probably) won’t be enjoying. Problem is your maternity tankini still doesn’t cover everything. On the plus side: Hello clevage!
Forget searching for the perfect summer grilling spot or beach. All you care about is finding some shade, preferably with a seat. If it’s near an ice cream stand and a bathroom (see previous two points) then you’re there for the whole summer.
7. “No AC, no way I’m coming.”
If you’re making a pregnant woman leave the comfort of her air-conditioned home for your party or event, Beyoncé better be coming, too. It’s OK to stay inside all summer right? You may or may not have watched everything on Netflix by Labor Day.
8. “Don’t even think about touching me while we’re lying in bed”
Pregnancy can be a romantic time, bringing you closer to your other half. Unfortunately your significant other didn’t get the memo that high summer is not a time for bedtime hugs. You’re a human furnace right now!
9. “Do they make band-aids for inner thighs?”
When you get to a certain stage of pregnancy in summer, everything rubs together. So. Icky. After a quick Google search you end up trying a load of homemade remedies from the internet to help your poor, sore, inner thighs. Who said pregnancy wasn’t glamorous?
10. “I have nothing to wear!”
Summer makes maternity dressing even harder than usual because everything is shorter, tighter, and more revealing. Cue hormonal meltdown when you hate everything in your closet and demand the bump wardrobe (and stylist) of Blake Lively or Lauren Conrad.
11. “Is it OK to take a taxi for two blocks?”
Walking longer than ten minutes in the sun becomes a Herculean task when you’re in your third trimester in the summer. Your local Lyft driver knows you so well you he’s got your baby name list and due date memorized. Thank god your gym has the AC set at meat locker temps.